by Finebaum Fan
Headlines broke out around the country last week declaring that sports radio talk show host Paul Finebaum had co-written a county music song. Although many knew he had signed a major book deal, few, if any, were aware of his musical aspirations.
It came as quite a surprise to fans of the hard-hitting talk show host that he had co-written “Here and My Crazy Dreams,” with accomplished Muscle Shoals songwriter, Walt Aldridge.
The Paul Finebaum Show airs weekdays on regionally-syndicated ESPN Radio and is know far and wide for its cast of somewhat eclectic callers.
As I sit in my recliner writing this post in a forty-odd hour state of sleep deprivation, I begin to wonder. “What if he hadn’t co-written that song?”, “What if he had written it alone?”, “What if he really could sing?”, and “What if it became a hit?”
My lack of sleep is beginning to overtake my consciousness. My head is spinning…
Can’t you just see it?
The 2014 Country Music Awards
Paul Finebaum, song writer and lead singer of his own band, is introduced at The 2014 Country Music Awards by master of ceremonies, “The Legend”, in a way that would make MMA announcer Dave Davis envious.
The Beatles at Shea Stadium
Paul and his entourage enter the arena like the Beatles entering Shea Stadium. Grown men tear up, grown women swoon, teen-aged girls scream and salivate. Young men emulate Paul by wearing khaki pants and University of Alabama coaching staff polos – both about four sizes too large. Hoards of fans known as “Finebammers” flock from as far away as Waterloo, Iowa for the performance.
The arena echoes the chant, “Paaawwwlll”, Paaawwwlll, Paaawwwlll” as Paul takes center stage.
Behind Paul, eager to share the fame, is his band: “I-Man” on lead guitar, “Jeff from Chicago” on base, and “Jim from Crestwood” on keyboards. Seated in the rear, “Ringo style”, is “Darriel from Columbus”… ready to pound the drums instead of his chest.
Singing harmony with Paul is velvet-voiced “Charles” whose vocal chords were delicately honed calling little league games for the radio station back home in Reeltown.
His backup singers are adorned in white polyester pants suits studded with crimson rhinestones. Known simply as the “Finebaumettes”, they are: (right to left) “Tammy”, “Mildred”, and “Phyllis from Mulga”.
Joe Namath – circa1960. Beaver Falls Basketball
His lone groupie, screaming wildly just below center stage, is “Jim from Tuscaloosa”. (He could have written AND performed the song better than Paul if only he had concussed the left side of his brain instead of the right in that pickup basketball game with Joe Namath.) Jim tosses his boxers onstage. Paul picks them up, winks, and tells Jim, “You are the best!”
Paul Finebaum and Danny Sheridan
Stage left, standing in deep shadows just beyond a long pine box, is his manager, Danny Sheridan – face freshly painted by his near-sighted makeup artist from central Florida. Danny is spouting odds and taking bets on how long Finebaum’s fame will last.
The houselights lights dim. The crowd grows silent with anticipation.
Suddenly, someone seated high above in a VIP box, lets out a rousing “A’ight!” Who is it? I’m not sure – maybe it’s God. Once again, pandemonium breaks out and the crowd works itself into a frenzy.
Without warning, the spotlight splits the cannabis-smoke-filled air floating above the crowd. It cuts through the cracks of the panama hat (rolled up to resemble that of a cowboy) and beams directly from the top of Paul’s head. To the delight of the crowd, it creates the illusion of a dancing disco ball.
Then – it happens.
The sweet sounds fill the arena;
I could stay like they thought I would –
Live the way they all said I should.
But every day, I’d have to live caught in between
Here and my crazy dreams.
Alabama and Texas A&M fans join hands and sway back and forth in time with the music. They are joined by Vols and Tigers and Bears (oh my!) and all manner of mascot-wearing SEC fans. It’s as if they have all joined around a campfire to sing choruses of “Kumbaya”. Peace, harmony, and tranquility threaten to spread all across the conference. Animosity – the very fabric that holds the conference together is in danger of being eliminated.
As the last notes flutter into the night, Paul looks up and flashes an omniscient smile. He senses a particular Bama fan, looking down from above, and acknowledges him under his breath with a simple “RTR”.
Other acts follow – but none can compare.
Surely this performance will be followed by awards and accolades as never before seen in Nashville.
At the end of the evening, Paul’s name is called and he works his way back on stage. Randy Owen and Bocephus himself are waiting to present Paul with his award for “Songwriter/Artist of the Year“.
Tennessee’s favorite son, Paul Finebaum, has come home. And finally… finally… he has made Tennessee proud.
The Legendary Chupacabra
An unearthly shrill launches me out of my recliner and three feet into the air. Was I being attacked by a chupacabra? As I settle back into my chair and reality, I realize it’s just Tammy screaming something about Robert E. Lee and how he played quarterback for Auburn or some such nonsense.
In the future, I really need to make sure I get more sleep. I don’t think I can handle another episode getting caught in between here and my crazy dreams.
And, oh yeah, there really is a song.
Here and My Crazy Dreams By Walt Aldridge and Paul Finebaum